Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
