Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
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