I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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