My first STD was from a foam party
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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