I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
