Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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