whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
