I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Don't EVER smell your tampon
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
