Is making out on a toilet while he is sitting down and pissing weird? cause that's what happened last night
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
