she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize