I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
