Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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