my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Deffinety need to stop having sex on the beach just took a dump and it was mostly sand
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
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