I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
Randomize
