wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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