LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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