Do you still have your period?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
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