I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
I mean, on what planet are nipples suppose to look like that?
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
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