happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Randomize
