Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
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