Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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