i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
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