I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
no, he came in my armpit
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Randomize
