Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Randomize
