apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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