Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I just threw up in my front yard because my roommate was in the bathroom. Fuck New Years Day.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
