You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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