low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Sometimes I get confused on who I really actually know and who's lives I just know everything about via internet. Its a fine line
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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