loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
