U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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