party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
