My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
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