i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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