My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
