Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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