If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
