I met a girl last nite that charged by the inch. i didnt have enough money but i figured shed be a good deal for u
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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