Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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