I just made out with a guy for $7.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
