U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
I got her a Nickelback box set.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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