bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
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