i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
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