She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize
