The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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