so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
