so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
Dude, i don't know. I don't remember anything after we started chanting/playing "shot of gin."
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
Couch. On fire.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
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