I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
