shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
