I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
