The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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