I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
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