Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I feel great
I just peed on a car
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize