Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Randomize
