Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
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