My sheets look like a crime scene.
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
