I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
Randomize
