I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
