Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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