I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
