Will you blow on my dice?
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Dude I bought a 300 dollar buffalo painting. I'm no longer allowed to take shrooms.
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
