Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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