She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
two words...techno handjob
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How external is "for external use only"?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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