new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
