I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
