508, what difference does it make? You were alone, anyway.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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